Tag Archives: Crone

Red Pearl

 

p1130476

The wind has a different plan for me today. I work part-time at a Natural Food Co-op here on Cortes Island and on Friday mornings we usually get our deliveries. However due to stormy conditions the ferry is not running, which translates into no delivery truck coming over from Quadra Island till the sea gives her permission and allows for traffic to flow once again.

I’ve been wanting to write a new post all week, but something was in the way. I am still not sure what it is, but todays intervention by the wind felt like a sign: it is time to sit down and write regardless of creative blocks or lack of ideas.

It feels good to sit at my desk with my old dog Frodo sleeping peacefully on the round rug behind me, as I watch the trees dance in the wind. Even our normally very quiet bay is restless. I don’t know why, but this movement, this churning, this dance mirrors the sense that something inside of me is moving as well.

All week a book called “Big Magic” by Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat Pray Love, has asked me to pick it up and give it my attention. The book is divided into six parts: Courage, Enchantment, Permission, Persistence, Trust and Divinity. Each part has many short stories, many about Elizabeth’s own experiences and wisdom gained in her exploration in “Creative Living Beyond Fear”.

I love her incredible persistence and beautiful dedication to living a creative life. Her words speak to a part in me that has wanted to give myself this permission for a very long time. The book has found it’s way to me at the perfect time of my life where many things are shifting, as the slow process of birthing my crone Self is unfolding. Creativity is one of the vehicles for me to fully express this journey and all the hidden gems inside of me. p1130492It is time for me to shed old beliefs and habits, just as fir and pine are shedding their dead needles.

I love Elizbeth’s frank words that cut through the old voices, expectations and fears. A feeling of aliveness is spreading through my body as my whole being comes alive when I break through the walls and follow that wild call into unknown territory. Just imagining the freedom to explore and create without any fears or holding back gives me tingles. Creativity, when it flows, is so exciting.

Lately on my walks the wild has been calling me to step off the known path and explore the places beyond the familiar. I discovered beautiful new bluffs as I scrambled up and down the coastline and through the forest following an inner voice and inner knowing. Often feeling lost but somehow trusting and each time surprised where it took me and how much this wild beauty touched my heart.

This little red Arbutus berry found in a nest of white lichen on one of those excursions seems such a vibrant symbol of what can be discovered when we step out of the known.

p1130486

The red pearl is the beautiful seed from this magnificent coastal tree who sheds it’s bark to stand naked and vulnerable as the wind blows away all which is not true. For me the red pearl symbolizes what is waiting to be discovered both on the inside and outside. It is a symbol of hope and renewal and choosing to live a life of vibrant aliveness. It is the seed of creativity that is waiting for each of us to give it our full attention and unique expression.

As a young bald eagle glides effortlessly in a spiral over Reflection Cove, there is so much to be grateful for: the power of the wind, beauty, creativity, life and the “Big Magic” contained in one red pearl and in each of us

p1130613

Hallowed Heat

hallowed-heat

I didn’t expect this time of change would be so challenging. Another night of hot flashes and night sweats where I lie waiting for the heat to pass through my body. I throw the covers off, trying to remember if this is number three or four. I can’t believe I’ve lost count again. My body is drenched in sweat. I pull the window wide open and welcome the beautiful cold and fresh air on my heated skin. Basking in it’s coolness, I feel so grateful for a moment of comfort. Eventually I fall asleep again, only to wake up feeling icy cold. I quickly close the window, trying to find the covers I threw off earlier and snuggle under the light feather down and drift off again.

Not sure how long it takes for the next wave to come. At some point in the night I feel myself surrendering to the fire and ice, and to the exhaustion that I feel in my whole being. And then I remember: I remember this feeling of exhaustion and helplessness. I remember when wave after wave after wave of contractions prepared my body for the birth of my first child. Memories are flooding back now as another wave of heat burns through my body. These memories are so vivid: the fear, the pain, the bewilderment as day drifts into night and into day again, wondering in earnest: Do I have enough strength for this?

I think of a young friend who is about to have her first baby. I know she is facing her fears and gathering her courage. I don’t think it matters if it is your first baby or your fifth. It takes courage to surrender to nature, to face the pain, to trust and be in the not knowing of how this will go and how it will change your life forever.

As I open the window again and look outside, I can see stars shining brightly with fast moving clouds covering and uncovering them like a blanket. mooncloudsAs I look at their beauty I see with such clarity the immense amount of courage and strength that women have.

It feels like I am in labour of a different kind. This time there is no other human being growing inside of me that wants to be born. It feels more like I am birthing a new me. The old familiar me seems to be losing ground, in fact I think she is fading fast into memory. With it comes a feeling of loss. At the same time I feel myself opening to the great mystery of it all. Yes, this is a time of great change for me on the inside and outside. And it seems strangely fitting for the times we are in that is calling for great change in our world.

Surprisingly I still dream a lot between the hot flashes and chills. Many short exhausting dreams showing me all the parts of me that are fearful, that feel less than, the parts of me I would rather not see. I am often not sure what is more exhausting the dreams or real life. And I am starting to wonder if it isn’t all just an exhausting dream.

Yet there in the early morning hours when you can feel dawn is not far away, I finally let go of my ideas, thoughts, and techniques to get me through another wild night. I feel them leave my mind and body like blood draining from a wound.  And then something in me softens, opens and in this sweet moment of deep surrender I feel myself drift into a peacefulness that permeates my whole being.

Later that same morning I stand before the mirror and see red rimmed eyes staring back at me. I have to admit I am taken aback by what I see. Then with a little more compassion I recognize the tiredness in the one that is facing her aging and all the changes that comes with it. I look closer and hold eye contact with my Self. And as I hold this contact I feel that same beautiful softening take place in me and my heart gently opens all the way to the one I see in the mirror. And then I recognize what I see reflected in those eyes: Love.

flaming-heart

~Pictures by Dancing Wolf

Maiden, Mother, Crone

P1080045

I am breathing in the beauty of this morning, breathing out any held tension in my body and mind. I love when I start the day in this way without a big agenda, even though there are many things to do. I surrender to the mystery of life knowing it will take me where I need to be and help me get done, what needs to get done today. I seem to have lost both the energy and the drive to try to control life, push through, or go against the flow.

The beauty of having a canine companion is that he makes me go outside and partake in the wonder of life outdoors. And there is something so beautiful about walking through the trees glistening with raindrops in the morning light breathing in the fresh air.

As I walked earlier today I reflected on all the changes that are happening in my body and life right now at the age of 50 in what I call the menopausal or emerging crone phase. There is a mystery to be embraced here of leaving one phase for another like leaving childhood into womanhood or the time of becoming a mother.

I remember myself being pregnant with my first child, wondering what it would be like to be a Mother and what it meant, knowing that life for me was about to change forever. I also remember the young girl struggling through puberty wondering what it would be like to become a woman. Now I wonder once again what it will be like to become a crone and what that means for me. It is a personal journey, that is asking me to go back to the beginning, way back and open to whatever is unfolding in me and before me.