St-ill-ness

p1150023

It’s been quite a while since my last blog post. A cold or flu virus had me flat on my back for ten days and it has taken me a while to recover and not just physically. This is my fourth attempt to write a new blog post and it feels like I lost the thread that connects me to not just my writing and creativity, but to the love I have for life. It is hard to describe the disconnection I feel. I wonder if the experience I had during my illness has something to do with this. Perhaps by retracing my steps and telling the story I will gain some clarity or perhaps even find the thread again.

p1140366So here it goes: On the day I got sick, my elderly dog Frodo also showed signs of not feeling well. This didn’t surprise me. We have been sick at the same time before and I wonder sometimes about the strong link between us. Frodo stopped eating that day and did not drink or eat for two days. He was getting weaker and weaker and we had to help him get up and take him outside to do his business. The snow did not help matters, making it even more difficult for him to walk. As I was lying on the couch watching him decline, I began to accept that his time here with us might be coming to an end. The power and phone line went out for a few days as well and when it came back on, I decided it was time to let my sons know about Frodo. Soon after I sent out the message the power went out for the second time and Frodo surprised us by suddenly showing interest again in food and water. As soon as he was getting better, I was getting worse.

Perception of time shifts when you are ill. I was lying there day in and day out watching the snowflakes come down in all their various sizes and forms and transform the world into winter wonderland. p1140900We had a surprising amount of snow, at least eighteen inches over a few days and much more on other parts of the island. Sometimes the snowflakes were as big as feathers. While watching them float gently to the earth I was reminded of one of my favourite childhood fairy tales “Frau Holle” or “Mother Hulda” in which a girl meets and lives with an old woman and when she shakes out her blanket it snows. I always loved the image of a Sky Goddess shaking out her huge feather blanket and somewhere in the world it would snow. In our world many branches and trees were cracking and breaking off under the white weight making our long driveway impassable. It felt like life had ground to a halt.

One morning after the worst night of coughing and headache, and the continues sounds of trees and branches breaking, I woke up and looked outside at the familiar view of the bay. p1140910I noticed right away that something was different: not what I saw but how I saw. The trees, ducks, water, the white landscape all looked the same, yet everything was so clear, like someone had cleaned a really dirty window or lens that I have been looking out of probably most of my life. I gazed at everything intently and suddenly knew what was so different: I was seeing the world before me without any resistance. It was so beautiful to see without any layer of judgement or preconceived notions. I was able to see that being without resistant to life lets love flow freely. It was remarkable to see the trickery of the mind, always wanting to change or improve reality or improve others or myself. It felt like a huge relief and joy to accept reality as it is. It wasn’t like being in the flow of life, but being the flow.

Many days have passed since this remarkable experience. I so wish I could have held onto experiencing life without resistance. But I wasn’t able to. I woke up this morning feeling as grey as the morning that greeted me. Now the rain is coming down heavily and Frodo is sleeping peacefully beside me. I don’t know what the next moment will bring, but in this one I am grateful to be alive and to be able to listen to the rain drumming on the roof. It is up to me to let life’s magic in and it is up to me to accept life on it’s terms not mine. It is in the stillness that I find my way back to the gift of life.

p1150087

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “St-ill-ness

  1. Jazz Jaeschke

    A truly moving post – thank you for sharing. I am STILL not completely over a cough-centered virus of sorts that whacked me down in December, got better only to recur in January … reading this took me back to that state of helplessness which boosts gratitude for current conditions even tho that cough refuses to completely depart). My best to you and Frodo.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  2. cobgoddess

    Thank you for sharing. Reading your post and looking at the beautiful photography Ican not help but feel you underwent some sort of energetic update.
    Your surroundings are so magical …. Healing is available to you freely.
    Sending you the first rays of Spring from my part of the world.
    Many Blessings

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
      1. cobgoddess

        When I saw the picture of the water with Light shimmering like crystals I felt you have been the recipient of a cosmic energy download.
        Yes Spring is near. I feel it with every tree I touch , in the bird’s song, in the Sun Light.
        Many Blessings

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Hayward Françoise

    So grateful for your post . I just got back from the country where there is no more web connection …and I am just recovering from a two- week virus episode that has knocked me down in bed in a terrible state of helplessness and strange mixed feelings of transformations, guilt for not being what our children want us to be etc …ie samanic christian hippies … who try to avoid conflicts at all costs ; ya now what I mean … : no antibiotics, but lots of hot teas and no food so to say..my twin dogs have staid along with me, sad as sad sacks … almost never going outside except for weewees… plus only ONE flower essence has shown her name : a magnolia that I have infused last summer, meaning unconditionnal love and healing in periods of big crisis.. we took almost all the bottle my husband and I and after a week, the essence stopped “dowsing and resonating “…Did several journeys, at night, with Sandras’s recordings. Feeling the shift inside of us . During the one I did yesterday ( course 6 on the power of initiation I have seen a woman shaman dropping a dullop of translucid jelly, like the one they put on your tommy to do the echography, you know .. But it was over my hair , above my head, like a splash of transparent stuff . Wondering what it was : a voice translated the image : like a positive electrical protocole in order to get my neurones in phase with a stronger amperage of frequencies … does it ring sthg in your ears, or imagination ? because it was very minimalist as a symbol of electrical new wiring for old people- I will be 70 on march 15th since the present babies are probably born with a more advanced wiring system.My lungs still hurt from the irritation …and my head is spinning more and more. Dolores Cannons has described that state of “mind” very precisley in her conferences…Fromwhat I am beginning to GUESS; the metaphor is the following : we are not like the Anasasi or Atlante people disapearing instantly alltogether from one level of perception on the planet because we have interbreeded so much that the idea is more one of GROUP of souls of the same KIND …..maybe shifting from one realm to the other without changing anything to our present activities .. or not much .. BUT nevertheless, there are people that we feel more at ease with and others that go farther and farther from our “world’ so to say .. Am I ringing a bell somewhere ???

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. drawingbackthecurtain Post author

      Thanks so much for sharing! Hope your health is improving. I can certainly relate to some of your symptoms as well. It has been very intense and I do feel like we are being rewired in a sense. Love your journey. The image of the jelly over your head made me think of flow of electricity and making it easier for the new energy to come in. Journeying is so essential for me in this potent time.

      Like

      Reply
  4. Denise D. Young

    An absolutely beautiful post. I hope that Frodo is doing well and that his recovery continues–and yours, too. I find those moments of clarity in life come and go, and if we try to grasp onto them and clutch them too tightly, they melt like snowflakes. It’s best to watch them drift gently down and feel blessed. And your post truly captures that. Thanks for sharing this!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. drawingbackthecurtain Post author

      Thanks, Denise! Very much appreciate your comment…and yes, Frodo, is doing much better. He has good days and not so good days. As you so beautiful say it, trying not to grasp onto anything too tightly. Just grateful for the time we have together.

      Like

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s