How I love not having anything scheduled today. I can go by my own rhythm. What a joy! And taking my journal and a stack of books outside somewhere is what I love the most…
As I started gathering my things to take outside, I wondered if I should take my computer as well. So I asked my Inner Guidance if I should take it for the purpose of writing and it was a clear “Yes”.
I experimented with this for almost two years now and it seems to really work for me: I hold an object, in this case my laptop, with both of my hands against my body and ask if I am meant to take this out with me and write. I allow myself to tune into my body and let it give me the answer. If my body sways forward onto my tiptoes or what I call away from me, it’s a “No”, if it sways backwards onto my heels or what I call “into me”, it’s a “Yes”. I did this earlier with choosing tea for me as well. I just love when I remember to check in with myself. I opened the cupboard with all my jars of herbs, chose one that seemed to call me and held the jar against my body and asked if this is the right herbal tea for me in this moment. It got a “Yes”, and when I asked about honey to add to it, it was a “No”. So here I am enjoying a nurturing Raspberry leaf tea as I am writing this, trusting more and more my own inner wisdom and guidance.
When I opened my computer to write, I couldn’t even begin as so many times before. This time however instead of just getting distracted on the computer by browsing the internet or doing some other task instead, I sat with what is not letting me write a blog and this is what I wrote into my journal:
I have a really deep block. I can feel it in my body in my stomach and my throat. I know I would love to create and write something, post it, work on my existing pages, etc and just enjoy the process of being creative….What is this block, that makes me think I better just go up to the garden, because I believe that is what others are wanting me to do or approve of me doing? And where I can then fulfill my usual pattern of doing what I believe others expect from me and grumbling on the inside that I don’t get to do my own thing. Well, the reason I don’t get to do my own thing is because I don’t do it, not because others keep me from it. That’s an excuse and it is not true!
So if I am the one keeping myself from writing and look at what makes me do that: it’s fear of failure and the fear that people won’t approve or like it. So once again I arrive at: I don’t do what I love because of other people. Is it true? The fear is there, but it is just that. It really doesn’t matter what people think. Allowing myself to write for the deep pleasure of writing and as an expression of who I am is what is exciting. And so is drawing back the curtain to what is really going on here. If I write first and then go to the garden both feel so satisfying to me and bring me such joy and hey, if anyone enjoys what I share, great and if not, I have fun writing and taking pictures, because it’s what I deeply love doing and for whatever reason it wants to be shared…
Drawing Back The Curtain 